girl and the sea.

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:10:50 GMT

She & Him, I Thought I Saw Your Face Today

I thought I saw your face today
but I just turned my face away
Your face against the trees
but I just see the memories
as they come
as they come
And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No I couldn't help but fall in love again

I saw it glitter as I grew
and love did what I never knew
I thought this place was heaven sent
but now it's just a monument
in my mind
in my mind
And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No I couldn't help but fall in love again

The cars and freeways implore me to stay way out of this place
My mother said just keep your head and play it as it plays

(whistling)

The cars and freeways implore me to stay way out of this place
My mother said just keep your head and play it as it plays

I somehow see what's beautiful in things that are ephemeral
I'm my only friend, am I?
Love is just a piece of time
in the world
in the world
And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No I couldn't help but fall in love again
No I couldn't help but fall in love again
No I couldn't help but fall in love again
No I couldn't help but fall in love again

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 10:57:08 GMT

I hope my man is enjoying himself tonight. He deserves it.

I want to say how much I appreciate him giving me this time to try and work on my homework... It is boring and relentless, but thanks to his pushing me, especially earlier in the semester when I had to submit two pieces of work, I received two 'A's for my efforts and I can only say that he acts a very strong motivator for me. I do all of this, I find the work I do very interesting, and it is thanks to him that it feels achievable. I appreciate his thoughtfulness because I know when he's around, why on earth would I want to do work? I can hug and jump into his arms, so why the hell would I want to sit here and study and write?

Anyway these notebook entries aren't going to finish themselves, and I need to find some blue tack... ergghhh...

I am very excited for Thursday, I feel so lucky and honoured because someone has taken the initiative to surprise me, it's amazing, and the fact that it happens without me having to drop hints puts me in the best mood :) :)

I love you Mikey

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:59:23 GMT

How is it that when you leave I instantly feel panicky and lost?

And when you're here, I feel calm and safe?

I almost felt like bursting into tears because I was worried about the stupid rain and storms... Please drive safe, I don't know what I'd do without you. I get so frightened, upset and anxious even slightly thinking about it, it hurts.

I love you like I've never loved anyone else. You and me are just a given.

I like your photos.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:33:31 GMT

I love this weather so much, I just want to lie in the grass with Mikey all day and make daisy chains.

secret blog entry!

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:30:01 GMT

Just when you think you don't expect,

THERE'S A SECRET BLOG ENTRY UP IN HERE!!!

I hate fighting with you so so so much, I feel so much better when we wake up and the sun's shining and we've sorted out our issues and we can just chill..

You're the most important thing in the whole world to me..

I like how you can't stay away for long, you have to come back and hug me. I hope you don't ever stop doing it. :)

I LOVE YOU MIKEY T.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:19:07 GMT

Everything before you feels like it hasn't existed. It feels like a completely different life right now, a perfect, charmed and blessed one. You're beyond perfect. Sweet, considerate, kind and compassionate. I feel like we're so similar and yet different in a precious way. Even thinking the same things at the same time, it's like one soul, one heart, one brain split into two bodies.

It trips my mind to think of life before we kissed. It was so empty and heading nowhere, I think I was getting quietly desperate without realising. I didn't know what direction I was going, I was so beyond confused and lost. Since you I have never held any doubt as to which where my future lies. It's right with you.

It's strange to think of our friendship before all this, so solid and sweet. We were kind and funny with each other, there was no bullshit or pretence, we probably joked about getting married one day. It's wonderful to think it's truth now. I always loved being able to hang out with you in any context, it was always so relaxed, comfortable and encouraging.

I'm glad that I am the only one you've been in a relationship with, I know you weren't ever short of female admirers, and they used shallow tactics to engage your attention, and it didn't work. I love the feeling of being the one who got to get close to you.

I like how you tell me you'd propose before the end of the year, I can't think of anything that makes me more excited. In the past I think I've been concerned about what people thought or comparing myself to them, but now I think about what makes me happy, and you are the one thing that erases bad thoughts and replaces them with blissful happiness. You are easygoing and polite to everyone in my life, you're respectful and you make an effort with my friends, it means the world to me. I love how hard we work at being together, although it doesn't feel like it's hard. To me, everything with you and me is the most important, and everything else falls after.

Goodnight sweetheart. xox

butterflies & hurricanes

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:07:23 GMT

12.55am Tuesday morning

I got home a few hours ago, and after the novelty of reading Rolling Stone and watching TV set in, I realised how much I hate being away from him. I don't really know what it is, because I used to relish my alone time. I don't mind it now, but I prefer his company to that of anyone in the entire universe.

When he said he was thinking of proposing not far into the future, I was so excited. I didn't feel overwhelmed or anxious or anything. For me, it feels very comfortable and blissful to know where you both stand in a relationship. I like everything about us, I feel like it's all happened at the right times, all when it's supposed to. We already feel that level of commitment now, so it would just be a matter of making it formal. I can only guess what other people would say but it's not about them at all, is it? They haven't been in those moments where he makes the whole world disappear. They haven't been included when makes me feel secure and comfortable and protected, as well as constantly telling me how he feels about me. So it really is just about us. We are just so happy together, it would be nauseating to the outside viewer. He is simply wonderful. He is every marvelous adjective under the sun. It's too hard to simply say what I feel for him, just that I've never felt this way before. The idea of living without him is so terrifying as well. I can't even remember life before him. I just know that I haven't really been alive until him now.

I know that for us, everything is going to happen in the right time, I'm so happy with him right now, he brings out the fairy tale side of me which is a nice change. It's sad that I haven't witnessed romance before this. True roses romance. And now he makes me feel like we're living in an M. Ward album.

I've never really cared what other people think, I know the only people worth listening to just want me to be happy. I think they only have to look at us together to know there is something there that can't be faked. A spark and a friendship and a sense of comfort and a strong, beating love.

All I want for this life is that we have each other and everything else is secondary.

Buggin' Blues

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 09:16:28 GMT

A curious blend of exhaustion and hyperactivity...

I'm racking my brain trying to remember the 10,000 things I was supposed to do.

Ergh.

Last night went by so quickly, it sucked so hard trying to fall asleep at 4am when my heart was beating so fast -- I felt so tense and worried sick. I hate it when we can't speak. It makes me hyperventilate almost. It is the scariest feeling on Earth. Sometimes I worry he's going to turn around one day and say "This... ?? Not worth it..." or something along those lines.
I just want to be the most perfect girlfriend ever, but I can't help being insecure and jealous at times. He is just the world to me, the frustration of being away from him, even not being able to touch his hands is awful.

:(

I spent five hours organising and chasing up stuff that should be done automatically... My job is frustrating. Feels good when it's finished and organised, but it's endless.

I have no idea whether I'm tired or not.

Ok, I need to clean up now.

CURE.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:34:35 GMT

So my man just left, ever the considerate chap, giving me time to sit in front of this thing, tearing my hair out, drinking way too much coffee and having my eyes hurt from too many databases, too many articles.

Tonight it was nice to sit with him on the beach, we can always talk easily and freely, and I think that sometimes we're a bit nervous to be "too candid" with each other, at the risk of hurting each others' feelings but I think we're getting much better.

I think it's completely understandable he doesn't feel comfortable with me being friends with someone from my past. If I were in the same position, I'd be the same. Sometimes it's different hearing it from another perspective, but it's hard to be neutral if you've been in the middle of it and you don't really know what it's like to be objective, you can't see people for who they really are. Or thinking back now and wondering why I put up with such behaviour? Why do I lower myself? Everything is so much different now and I'm glad, but it's just so weird to think of all the stuff that's happened to me. It's surreal, like it happened to someone else. I'm not proud and I'm ashamed of what happened, but at the same time its played a role in this sequence of events that's led me to the man I'm going to marry. It's led me to appreciate so many things and see the glass half full. I wish it'd helped me more the second time round. I wish it made me stop and see that I was potentially making the same mistakes again. That's not fair to me at all. But I always knew, back of my mind, I'd smile and just instinctively know that my life was headed somewhere completely different and I'd end up with someone so beyond and different to my experience. Someone kind and precious and who made me happy and actually want to settle down. And I have. I hope he wakes up everyday and thinks that he is the world to me. Because he is. I've never known love to be selfless and passionate and kind and sweet and that made me appreciate every moment. I've known love in a different incarnation, one that made me feel worthless and that its use was bandied about like a toy. It shouldn't be known as that. Previously to me, I associated love with myself and my friends, I enjoyed my life, but I didn't feel passionate or warm toward the one I was with. Things have definitely changed.

When I'm on my way somewhere, or I'm daydreaming, I can see my own wedding day, see his face, him just smiling at me and winking while we're up there.

I've never thought seriously about all this marriage and family stuff I've always hid behind excuses. Now I couldn't imagine anything else. I can see how protective and cute he'd be around me when I am 'in that way', I can see prams and car seats and a sedan and a house and our dog.

Just thinking about him having a kid on his shoulders is just... wow. I don't know what he thinks about that, but I can't help it. It's hard to remind myself to enjoy just being us for now, I love getting excited about what the future brings. But I do reflect on how we are now. How glad I am that we talk a lot, openly and honestly, we argue and fight of course, but we choose to communicate. I trust him so much. I've never been able to speak about everything but with him I can. And it makes me feel relieved and excited and comfortable and happy.

Exhaustion?

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 14:08:46 GMT

It's going to take me a long time to start this literature review.

I've got nothing to do anyway. It's making me irritated - I can't go fall into bed with him until I finish this stupid piece of shit but I can't start it... I suppose I'll wait until the mood strikes.

I always feel I should be doing something, like my time in some way is always scheduled. I don't know whether I like it, I guess I'm just used to it. I don't mind, most of the time, but lying on the grass yesterday watching clouds roll by was like taking a breath underwater. Oddly peaceful.

When I was little I wanted to be a journalist or a shopkeeper. I'm not going to be either, thank the Lord. But I did always want someone easygoing, sweet and who made me feel safe and protected. I don't know whether that betrays some feminist ideology, but I don't care. I actually feel vulnerable for a change.

I have a feeling I'll be trying to do this for a few hours. I hope he misses me as soon as he leaves. Because it's what happens to me.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 05:34:35 GMT

Well now it's all out there.

I gave him an opportunity to find out directly from me but he chose to stick his head in the fucking sand and find out through the all-broadcasting nature of the interweb. I was only trying to make the best of a bad situation so I refuse to feel guilty or bad. I've felt guilty for a very long time over lots of things, I'm sick of feeling inferior and for the first time I feel I don't have to explain myself or be defensive so I refuse to be sucked in.

I notice that I do tend to slip into 'defensive' mode sometimes, I think it's just a habit I've developed over always having to justify or explain anything so I'm working on not being so quick to jump to defence.

I think it's a little bit sad actually, how the whole situation has unfolded, that no one has rushed to his defence. Is that indicative of what kind of character he is or what? I feel stupid because it reflects on me as well, that I put up with such bullshit for so long, I could never be fully honest or open or just myself. Does that make me look spineless? I hope not. I don't really feel I was in a relationship for a long time to be honest. The last few months consisted of brief weekly catch ups, I never involved him in my life or my issues much at all. I don't think it interested him. I think it was not much more than a label to be honest. That's not to say he was scum of the earth, and I'm definitely not perfect, but even the way he conducts himself now just baffles me. There's a supremely worrying level of immaturity going on there.

And now? I'm pretty much married. The actual ceremony will come later. But I feel so beyond lucky to have found the person I'm spending the rest of my life with. Everything about us so ridiculously, nauseatingly perfect. He's such a gentleman, a romantic, sweet, smart and strong - perfect.

And I can't believe it took me this long to realise.

just wanna do somethin' special...

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 06:33:56 GMT

I hope I get to bring toddlers along to watch their dad play lacrosse. :)

"I'm up in the woods
I'm down on my mind
I'm building a still
To slow down the time..."

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:12:48 GMT

I love my man so so so so so so much.

That is all.

this and love stricken felony are probably my fave LOUIS XIV songs.

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:27:12 GMT

I need sleep
I need love
I need fun
I need girls
I need sun
I need hope
I need help
I need dope
I need her
I need it
I can’t run
I can’t sit
I got pain, I got pain, I got pain
hope sick
hope sick
hope sick
hope sick

A heart flutter
and I shutter
A hand shake
A heart break
I love her
she loves me
but in my mind
but only in my mind

hope sick
(If it was so hard to hope)
hope sick
(How come I can’t let you go?)
hope sick
hope sick

I need wheels
I need touch
On my toes
On my heels
On my lips
On my head
On the street
I need stuff
I need a heart
I need a break
my skin aches
what does it take
I need me I need me

It’s like I’m hanging from a rope
from a string
from a needle
from a thread
in my head

(hope hope hope hope)

hope sick
(if it was so hard to hope)
(how come I can’t let you go?)
hope sick
hope sick

If it was so hard to hope
how come I can’t let you go?

If it was so hard to
hope how come I can’t let you go?

(small Instrumental)

A heart flutter
I shudder
A hand shake
A heart break

hope sick
hope sick
hope sick
hope sick

Its like Im hanging
(hope sick, hope sick)
from a rope
(hope sick, hope sick)
from a string

(hope sick hope sick hope sick)

4.44am

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 18:58:08 GMT

Monday morning and I finally get the urge/inspiration to do homework! I don't know what it is but I find starting things the most impossible part of any process. Once I start, I'm fine, I usually find something of interest to keep my mindship occupied during such a task, but I think I set a record in procrastination tonight! It wasn't like I was doing anything massively interesting either before homework. Scrolling through iTunes and trying on a random dress from my year 10 formal took priority over research for three assignments and notebook entries for the fourth subject.

Right now, it's all about Joseph Arthur's Bed of Nails from Vacancy (1999).

In the past I'm burning in the flame of hope
Trouble come and turn me into solid smoke
In your bar I drink until I can't stand up
Your drowning heart in the bottom of my cup

You are hurting but you are learning
I'm still burning while I'm living
In my own world
On a bed of nails

No one here I would even think to trust
I would disappear but someone just stole my crutch
You're not here but then again you're nowhere else
In the spinning chair melting all around yourself

You are hurting but you are learning
I'm still burning but you are living
In your own world
On a bed of nails
In your own world
On a bed of nails

And on another note, I should probably get to bed soon. I have not been feeling crash hot lately and I don't know what it is. Luckily there's always someone special to make me feel better. I'm happy he's getting some events to shoot for this week. What sucks is I'll be in the same place as him tomorrow and I can't act the way I have been. He's gone from one of my friends to someone who just takes my breath away. And I have to act like we're just friends. This is going to suck.

Another thing I'll mention before I forget, is he is the only one who just captivates me completely. Knowing how I feel now makes me wonder what I was doing before? My previous relationship was so lacklustre, no wonder I didn't fight for it. It had no sanctity. And now? There's no question. It surprises me how happy I am to do something for him. And separating the love part from it all, in its simplest equation I just enjoy being around him so much. Intoxicating.

I feel like this isn't very eloquent or well-constructed but I've been told to write journal entries for every single uni subject this semester and tutors have been hung up on details. Awareness of place and time. Not so much expression.

Why did the outside light flicker on?

I enjoy this Girls Aloud song ("Watch Me Go"), Nadine's voice is amazing. I would so karaoke the shit out of it. That and a few thousand other songs.

I'm not being very insightful or clever so I'll just leave this.

"You don't buy me flowers, you don't buy me dranks..."

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 12:56:40 GMT

I'm a carrier pigeon, you're a sheep

This post is inspired by a previous list of iconic and wonderful songs chosen by an amazing person who knows their stuff. Going through the list, I'm inspired to listen to it and you can really tell it's compiled by someone who lives and breathes music. I could rattle on about their genius all day but I'll forget the songs so here goes:

Bent - Now I Must Remember
Brian Jonestown Massacre - Nailing Honey to the Bee
Telepopmusik - Breathe
Stars - The Vanishing
Black Keys - Psychotic Girl
Cake - Never Gonna Give You Up
Billie Holiday - The Very Thought Of You
Bobby Bare Jr. - You Blew Me Off
Led Zeppelin - No Quarter
Blur - Girls and Boys
The Gun Club - For The Love Of Ivy
The Strokes - Ask Me Anything
Camera Obscura - I Don't Want To See You
Vampire Weekend - Ottoman
The Beatles - And I Love Her
The Black Crowes - Gone
Beck - Hollywood Freaks
Cold War Kids - I've Seen Enough
CSS - Alala
Burial - UK
Dan Auerbach - Heartbroken, In Disrepair
Cat Power - Metal Heart
The Clash - Police & Thieves
Bell x1 - Next To You
Crystal Castles - Good Time
Bright Eyes - No Lies, Just Love
The Radio Dept. - I Don't Like This
Johnny Cash / Fiona Apple - Father and Son
Chuck Berry - Maybellene
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - Heavy Metal
Air - Ce Matin La
The Asteroids Galaxy Tour - Satellite
Placebo - I'll Be Yours (Version 4AM)
Charlotte Hatherley - White
Darling Violetta - Cure
N.E.R.D - Baby Doll
Dananananaykroyd - Infinity Milk
Gotye - Learnalilgivinanlovin'
Devendra Banhart - Carmensita
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Poor Song
The Cardigans - Erase/Rewind
At the Drive In - Pattern Against User
Be Your Own Pet - Becky
David Gray - The Other Side
Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart (Long Version)
Death From Above 1979 - Blood On Our Hands
Catfight - Ready Steady Go
The Cars - Let the Good Times Roll
Echo and the Bunnymen - Lips Like Sugar
The Feelers - Pressure Man
David Bowie - Ashes to Ashes
Fiona Apple - Sally's Song
Pixie Lott - Mama Do (Linus Loves Radio Edit)
Dandy Warhols - Sleep
Little Boots - Stuck On Repeat
The Velvet Underground - Heroin
Greg Laswell - Come Undone
Grizzly Bear - Don't Ask
Goldfrapp - Beautiful
Interpol - PDA
Iron and Wine - Naked as We Came
Midlake - I Guess I'll Take Care
The Donnas - Checkin' It Out
The Doors - Love Street
Girls Aloud - Biology
Doves - Firesuite
Duffy - Serious
Eagles of Death Metal - Stuck in the Metal
Editors - All Sparks
The Libertines - Up The Bracket
Iggy Pop and the Stooges - I Wanna Be Your Dog
Groove Armada - Join Hands
Elliott Smith - Between the Bars
Emiliana Torrini - Lifesaver
Everclear - Heroin Girl
Fatboy Slim - Gangster Trippin'
Feist - The Water
Florence and the Machine - Hospital Beds
The Fratellis - Whistle for the Choir
Garbage - Stupid Girl
Ghostface Killah - Be Easy
Girl in a Coma - Their Cell
_____
___

T B C

6.10pm, Monday 24 August

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 08:13:39 GMT

PLACEBO, "I'LL BE YOURS (VERSION 4AM)"

I'll be your water bathing you clean
The liquid piece
I'll be your ether you'll breathe me in
You won't release
Well I've seen you suffer, I've seen you cry the whole night through
So I'll be your water bathing you clean
Liquid blue

I'll be your father, I'll be your mother,
I'll be your lover, I'll be yours [x2]

I'll be your liquor bathing your soul
Juice that's pure
And I'll be your anchor you'll never leave
Shores that cure
Well I've seen you suffer, I've seen you cry for days and days
So I'll be your liquor demons will drown
And float away

I'll be your father, I'll be your mother,
I'll be your lover, I'll be yours [x3]
Yours...

10.04am

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 00:12:21 GMT

Monday mornings are usually better spent wrapped up in someone else's bed. But today it's all about being awake at 7.30am and trying a bagel for the first time. Verdict=amazing. I felt like I was on The OC! I also witnessed my friend absolutely freaking out while watching a lady's car smoking and burning down the road while we were having breakfast. It was absolutely surreal. There were flames escaping from the bonnet at one point and my friend's tone shifted into deadly serious! It was ridiculously scary! The fire brigade turned up after the car had actually stopped smoking but the whole thing looked like a movie scene. My friend was convinced the car was going to blow up, and it certainly looked that way.

It was all good though, and we're glad the lady didn't get in the car or anything while it was smoking but you could hear people muttering "don't get in there!"

I love my man more than words. I'm glad he's trying something different for next year - I think he'll really enjoy it, he's such a creative soul.

I am also happy that I have been sick for the last few days and felt prone to tears on more than one occasion, and he's been able to comfort me. He actually makes me feel something. My life before all of this felt strangely detached. I wasn't emotionally invested in a lot except for my friends or my family. I was in a very shallow relationship. It wasn't deliberate however, I think as time went on it was made apparent that there weren't feelings there anymore, certainly not feelings you expect in a relationship. I never got jealous or even was that ecstatic, I was just content. But now I feel a lot of things. Vulnerable and excited and happy and anxious (all in a good way). I feel good about all of this because I guess it means as much as I can speak and think and rationalise and believe, there is nothing like physical/physiological or gut reactions to remind you how you feel about someone.

YEAH YEAH YEAHS, Poor Song

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 11:00:46 GMT

Baby I'm afraid of a lot of things but
I ain't scared of loving you
And baby I know you're afraid of a lot of things
But don't be scared of love... 'cause
People will say all kinds of things
But that don't mean a damn to me
'Cause all I see is what's in front of me
And that's you

Well I've been dragged all over the place
I've taken hits time just don't erase
And baby I can see you've been fucked with too
But that don't mean your loving days are through
'Cause people will say all kinds of things
But that don't mean a damn to me
'Cause all I see is what's in front of me
And that's you

Well I may be just a fool
But I know you're just as cool
And cool kids, they belong together

Certainty.

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 13:08:04 GMT

Right now I've never felt more certain or sure about anything in my life. It's really nice knowing the person I'm going to be with for the rest of my life has been there for me for a while accepts me for who I am and after I unload about everything, unpleasant or pleasant still looks at me and tells me they love me.

I have also always been a person who really enjoys being alone and just being still, but now I find I just get bored and want to be around this person all the time.

When he told me he knows when he wants to propose -- it just makes my heart go quicker, it makes me so happy to be alive. I mean before I was just treading water, content but not satisfied, and always looking for excuses to remain stagnant and not take the next step.

I'm going to marry this person. I don't care how the rest of my life pans out, but I cannot physically stomach the thought of losing him. The idea of us actually dying one day freaked me out so much I had to calm myself down.

x

Old Man River, Wedding Song
Air, Playground Love

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 01:58:12 GMT

All my dubiously written star sign said today is that all I need is a bit of cheerfulness.

Done.

Off for an hour of school. Only a little bit less than two and a half years left and I will be a graduate. And I'm glad it's in that time because right now it is particularly difficult to get a job, no matter what circumstances or qualifications.

I also wish the fact I didn't go to Phoenix last night would stop being waved in my face -- lol. I'm sure it was fantastic, now stopppppppp! Hehe...

I think I'm going to be married not long from now. It sounds ridiculous and mind-boggling and it's only been a few weeks, but the groundwork has been there for years. It's crazy to be able to find one person who is exactly what you want in every single way. I really hope I find something annoying about him so I can be reassured that it's all real. Just if I got annoyed by the way he ate or spoke too loudly in the mornings or something, but no, I cannot be irritated by him -- it's not possible. I'm not sure how I ended up here but I'm so glad I did.

Now off to spend 40 minutes choosing clothes for an hour long class.

Kat Dennings sings to her apple sauce before she eats it.

Bliss.

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 10:41:55 GMT

"You've got my attention, and now you're lost for words..."
~Talent.